When someone says, 'The bombing has really worked !', how well equipped are you to:
a) agree constructively
b) disagree in a well-informed manner
c) say, 'Sorry - what bombing are we talking about ?'
Well, today we have a quiz which is designed to make you fully aware of just how ignorant or up-to-date you are on Afghanistan.
No more hiding behind newspaper opinions !
Here we go then. For each question just tick the answer you think is correct.
1. The absence of a broad-based government in Afghanistan is because there is no word for "broad-based" in the Afghan language.
a) True
b) False
c) Actually, there is no such thing as the Afghan language.
2. There is no such thing as the Afghan language. The difficulties of communication in Afghanistan are increased because the inhabitants speak over twenty different tongues, including Uzbek, Tajik, Uzu, pidgin Russian, Imperial English, Pashmina, Pashtun, Walloon, Sanskrit and a strange dialect closely related to Finnish.
a) Yes
b) No
c) Sorry ?
3. What is the difference between a "parka" and a "burka" ?
a) A lot
b) Not a lot
c) Whereas the parka has been commercialised in the West now, and is a familiar sight in shops as low down the scale as Millett's, and Birdspotting Supplies of Bradford, the burka, on the other hand, has only just been discovered by the West, and the first supplies are being mass produced in factories in China as we speak, ready to hit the shops in time for Christmas, and a "Dress Up As A Lady Like John Simpson !" campaign.
4. Before the emergence of the "burka", the only familiar item of attire from Afghanistan was Afghan socks, a thick pair of socks with thin leather sole, which were absolutely ideal if you couldn't afford shoes or even find your shoes, or just wanted to keep warm at night in bed and slept alone. But now they seem to have vanished from the shops. Why ?
a) They smelt of stale yak's milk.
b) They were impossible to wash without the leather shrinking.
c) They were made illegal by the Taliban, as they did not cover a woman's naked calves.
d) They have all been looted by the Northern Alliance.
e) They served as stopgap Christmas presents so often that every man woman and child in Britain now has five pairs each.
5. Before emerging as the chief opposition to the Taliban, the Northern Alliance used to be:-
a) a building society based in Kabul
b) a building society based in Bradford
c) a dance craze based in Wigan
6. Why is the Western side called a "coalition" but the Afghan side called an "alliance" ?
a) Because there is no word in Afghan for "coalition"
b) Because there is already a building society in Kabul called the "Northern Coalition".
c) In Afghan, the Northern Alliance is actually known as "The Avenging Army of Pillage, Rape and Revenge", but there is no word in English for this.
7. What was Mr Blair's first reaction when he heard that the Taliban were on the run ?
a) 'Take that, Gordon!'
b) 'I am glad to announce that the bombing has been 100% successful, that foot and mouth is now eliminated from Afghanistan and that the countryside is open for business again'.
8. In the few days since the Taliban left Kabul, the capital's infrastructure has been strengthened by the building of:-
a) A Coca-Cola factory.
b) Two new McDonalds
c) Five new Starbucks
d) A statue of Mr Blair
9. What was the original code name of the operation against the Taliban ?
a) Operation Total Justice
b) Operation Kick Ass
c) Operation Collateral
d) Operation This is NOT a War against Islam, so Get That Into Your Thick Muslim Skulls !
10. Which subject do you feel has produced the most feeble and tiresome jokes in the context of Afghanistan ?
a) Carpet -bombing
b) Barbers and beards
c) Puns on Osama Bin Lining
d) Poor old President Bush
If you got them all right, well done. If you got half right, well done. If you got none right, well done - you are President of America!
Monday Nov 19 01