I have received an interesting query from Kate Carpenter of Oxford. She says that one of the local estate agents, Cluttons, is putting out a carol-singing team in the streets of Oxford, and wonders if there are any carols especially suitable for estate agents to sing.
Not according to the mighty Independent computer, that huge mechanical brain which slumbers most of the day and awakes now and again with a start, anxious to hear the latest on David Blunkett. So the next step was to create some. I fed into the computer the basic repertoire of common Christmas carols. I gave it some idea of how estate agents work. I then programmed it to create its own carols, and sat and waited.
At first it did nothing. Then it hiccupped and produced two lines:
Hark, the herald angels sing,
Bricks and mortar are the thing!
On the housing ladder
Where the sellers are all fat
And the buyers much sadder
I tweaked the controls for something more practical. It came up with this:
How still we see thee lie,
With property at every price
And Jerusalem close by!
So quiet in the country,
So close to town as well,
Just get in touch with Clutton's
- We're open over Noel!
After that it was well away:
Once in Royal David’s City
Stood a lonely cattle shed,
Now it is a barn conversion,
With 3 bathroom + 6 bed.
Suitable for family life:
Say, 3 children, and 1 wife.
Not in that poor, lowly stable
Do we ask our clients to dwell
But in grand refectory
And solarium as well
With an indoor swimming pool
And good local primary school.
I thought it might be nice to move away from Biblical premises and try a carol, advertising somewhere in Oxford. The computer obliged:
The entry chimes are ringing
At Number Three, The High
- Good tidings they are bringing!
A spacious entry hall
With cloakroom and a lobby,
Utility room and all
The space for husband's hobby!
Upstairs, three double rooms,
Two small, plus spacious attic,
Then cupboards for your brooms
And bathroom most aquatic …
I thought that would do, but I couldn't stop it:
Are up for sale once more.
We've brought the asking price down
And painted the front door.
"The Holly" is a villa
In a shabby part of town.
"The Ivy" is a mansion
With chimney falling down.
"The Holly" is Victorian
But basically is sound.
"The Ivy" is mock-Tudor
And is falling to the ground.
"The Holly" might be suitable
For another B & B.
"The Ivy" for a rather
Eccentric family.
Oh, "The Holly" and "The Ivy"
Are very hard to sell.
It might be the location
Or perhaps the funny smell…
It's very hard to stop a computer when it's having fun, so I left it to it.
The Independent
Wed Dec 15 2004