THE ESTHER RANTZEN OBSCENE VEGETABLE SEED PACK is a gloriously funny tribute to a woman who would be forgotten by now were it not for her pioneering work in breaking down the taboo surrounding the showing of suggestively shaped vegetables on prime time TV. All the seeds in this lewd load are guaranteed to produce phallic parsnips, Rabelaisian radishes, tumescent tomatoes, or other rampant legumes! NB The rare person who is deeply disturbed by suggestive green grocery can always ring Vegwatch for care and counselling: the phone number comes with each packet. £40.99 for a jumbo pack.
Are you always losing the end of the sticky tape? Do you get out a roll of sticky tape and run your finger round one way, looking for the elusive end, then the other way, but always fail to detach anything that looks like the end? Which was so easy to find when you first started the roll? And you've tried all the devices which claim to cure this problem, and they don't? Well, all your troubles are over with "SMALL 'N' STICKY" rolls of tape. Every time you want a bit of adhesive tape, you simply start a new roll - then throw it away! Each pack contains 100 rolls and there's only ten inches of tape on each roll. You need never look for the end of the tape again - you just chuck it in the bin and start a new one! Only £79.99 a pack. Affordable and terribly satisfying.
Many of us hanker for the dear old days when all matches were made in Britain, had union jacks on the front and a joke on the back. Well, now you can recapture those days with a pack of "PEEL OFF, PEEL ON, STICKY BACK ALL-BRITISH JOKES"! You simply peel a joke off the roll every time you buy a box of matches and stick it carefully to the back. £12 a roll.
The doll for the grown-up with the sense of humour: the Australian Barbie Doll! Don't forget that in Australia "barbie" means only one thing-a barbecue. That's right-the Australian Barbie Doll is a hunky man with a bloodstained apron and smoke-smeared cheeks, holding a kangaroo steak on a long butcher's fork! If you take his outdoor clothes off, you'll also find that his chest is cruelly scarred and tattooed, but that's because he used to be Kanga, The Interplanetary Killer, and we couldn't sell many of them so we have reclothed him as The Australian Barbie Doll! £29.99. ( Does not come with fresh meat.)
The "ANGUS DEAYTON DICTIONARY OF TV PHRASE AND GESTURE' is the ideal gift for any young relative who is hoping to go into television, become a star presenter and be paid up to £1,000 a throw to open a new out-of-town wallpaper mart. It shows how you can get laughs by not saying anything but just turning and looking quizzically at the camera, raising one eyebrow, rolling your eyes very demurely, etc. Also contains a chart of key hilarious phrases such as: "No change there, then", "Allegedly", "Moving swiftly on", etc. £25,99
It's always a problem to know where to put your grass cuttings, isn't it? Well, not any longer! If you are running out of space to put your lawn cuttings, and simply can't cope with any more suppurating green masses masquerading as compost heaps, then what you need is the LAWN BRIQUETTE MAKER. You simply feed your grass cuttings into this powerful machine and it compacts each lawnmower load into a briquette two inches square. These briquettes can either be tipped at dead of night into your neighbour's garden or a nearby ditch, or used as building blocks for your children, or even to make a small garden shed. Yes, people who live in grass houses...! £280 for complete machine.
Ever felt nervous about sending a bottle of wine back in a restaurant or taking one back to a wine shop, because although it tastes foul you're not sure if it is corked or not? Miserable about facing the superior knowledge of the sommelier or wine merchant? Worry no more! Armed with a FUNGALLY INFECTED AND CONTAMINATED CORK nobody will dare contradict you. These corks (£12 a dozen) are all split and diseased, red-stained and revolting. Just slip one out of your pocket and hand it to the waiter or wine merchant together with the bottle, saying: "Something a bit wrong here, I think."
If you're like us, you probably feel seriously under-endowed when you open your wallet to pay a bill in a shop or a restaurant and reveal that you only have one or two credit cards, whereas the other guys and gals seem to have huge wads of credit cards stacked away in those hanging display cases which come tumbling out of their purses. Now is the time for you or your loved ones to walk proud with "VIP PACK O' PLASTIC"! This is simply a stash of extra personal cards for you to put in your wallet, such as the State of Texas Kidney Donor Card, the Bank of Eurodisney Long Loan Card, the Czech Touring Club Road Relay Card, the Reykjavik Casino Premier Gold Card, etc. They are all fake but they look as authentic as your own cards. Give someone a VIP present this year - Very Impressive Plastic! (From £35)
Another Christmas Bazaar Supplement soon...!
The Independent MONDAY NOV 17 1997