It happened last year and it’s happened again this year. Another school has found out, too late, that it has been preparing the wrong Shakespeare play for A Levels. And it will go on happening every year unless people adopt my solution.

My solution? To use the same play every year, that is, my all-purpose Shakespearean play called “Labour’s Lost, Love”. It’s got tragedy, comedy and history in it, and everything you need to know about Shakepeare.

Like to know more?

Well, it tells the story of King Bonio of Dalmatia, who has been ruling the country for ten years and is happily married to his Queen, Sylvia.

As he tells his faithful servant Chorizo one day, the only fly in the ointment is that, when he was but a baby, he was parted from his twin brother in a shipwreck. And that, indeed, Chorizo was also parted from his twin brother at the same time, as follows . . .

Bonio: That selfsame storm which drove us on to Crete

And left my father hanging on a spar,

Did throw my brother, aye, and yours as well,

Into the vasty deep.

Chorizo: And did they drown?

No, of course they didn’t bloody drown. This is a Shakespeare play, for heaven’s sake, and we all know that the missing brothers will be turning up before you can say Act II.

Meanwhile, the next scene features Queen Sylvia talking to her maid, Shiraz, and telling her of her sadness that she never saw her twin sister again after they were parted in a disastrous traffic jam on a visit to Rome.

Sylvia: In Rome oft-times the traffic is quite mad.
They ride as if it were some chariot race

And account it shame if they are o’ertaken.

Our coach was buffeted, and then o’erturned. . .

Shiraz: Oh, merciful heavens! And was your sister lost

And spirited away in all this bedlam?

Sylvia: She was.

Yes, believe it or not, she was lost too. And so, of course, was Shiraz’s baby sister. Well, that set up four sets of twins wandering round, which is as much as one Shakespeare play can take, I think, at which point the Duke of Gloucester enters with his army.

Gloucester: Proud Rutland, take my shield. And you, old Sussex,

Pray have this spear which Henry gave to me.

Westmorland, this helmet take, which oft

Hath saved my skull from staving in.

And you, poor Milton Keynes, my knapsack have . . .

That’s enough history for an essay question, I think, so at this point a messenger comes and summons them to battle. But as they go, enter Lady Macbeth.

Lady M: So there you have it, girls. Support your man!

And murder all his rivals if you can!

Exit Lady Macbeth, after this pretty succinct summary of the whole of “Macbeth”, and we now find ourselves on the battlements of Elsinore. Enter Bonio of Syracuse, where he meets with old Hamlet’s ghost, to whom he speaks.

Bonio: Oh, what a sorry sight art thou, old man!

Hast been assaulted in the street by yobs?

Or is thy team new beaten in the Cup

And thou hast drowned thy sorrows in good ale?

The ghost says nothing, which is always good for an essay (“What do you think are the ghost’s motives for staying silent?”) and they both drift off. For a moment there is no-one on stage. Then, enter Vladimir and Estragon.

Estragon: Was this the place where Godot said to meet?

Vladimir: My boots are heavy. Help me take them off.

A touch of surrealism! Excellent, for essays on drama conventions. But you grasp the idea by now, so if your school is interested, you only have to get in touch with me to see the whole of the five acts.

Make your cheques payable to Kington/Shakespeare International.

But hurry, hurry!

The Independent April 28 2006