KING TONY
Episode X
Time for another episode of the long-lost Shakespearean masterpiece,”The History of King Tony” or “New Labour’s Lost, Love”, which tells the story of how brave King Tony sought to drag the land of Britain from the nineteenth century into the twenty-first, trying not to lose Wales and Scotland in the process. At the moment he is embroiled in a war against King Slobodan of Serbia...
The scene is King Tony’s military command centre, where he is taking counsel with his chief General.
King Tony: Now, General, tell me straight: how goes the war?
General: Not good, not bad. It could be worse, I think.
And there again, it could be better yet.
King Tony: Fie on this for a straight reply, old man!
Mince not thy words with me but tell me now
If we shall beat King Slobodan or no!
General: Wouldst thou have a straight and honest answer?
Then this whole war’s a cock-up at the best
And at the worst, a plague that thou setst off!
You thought to knock some sense into the foe
By bombing bridges, roads and TV stations.
Instead of that, you’ve angered him until
His wrath has been directed on his folk,
These poor inhabitants of Kosovo,
Whose safety you did promise to the press.
Your bombs have made a true and holy mess.
King Tony: Why did you never say this here before?
General: I did, my Lord. I warned you, straight and blunt,
That never yet did bombs win wars alone.
You would not hear me and you’ve paid for it.
Well, not exactly you, but all those folk
Who have been raped and killed and chased
From out their homes in far-off Kosovo -
They have paid for your mistakes back here!
King Tony: How dare you talk like this to your young King!
Do you not know that all my British people
Stand right behind me in this mercy war!
Enter Harold Pinter
Pinter: Not all! Oh, some of us will ne’er stand by
And see this murderous bombing in our name!
For what you do is utter wickedness!
King Tony: Why should I not indulge in this great fight?
Pinter: I’ll tell you why not on Newsnight, late tonight,
When I shall get my own five minute slot
To say why I am right, and you are not!
King Tony: Who are you, tall dark stranger? What’s your name?
Pinter: My name is Pinter. Playwriting is my game.
King Tony: I should have known! You folk are all the same,
Like Sir Peter Hall, who ever and a day,
Begs me to support his latest play,
Whingeing and whining, asking for more cash...
Good Lord, is that the time? I needs must dash
To Scotland I do go at this late hour
To give the Scottish back their long-lost power!
The scene changes to an election campaign room
somewhere in Scotland, where three campaign workers, Janet, Donald and Dougal, are groaning over their task.
Donald: Come voting day, the turn-out will be poor.
I’ve been out knocking on many a voter’s door
And everyone, from castle to tiny tent,
Says, Awa’ wi’ ye and wi your Parliament!
Dougal:Would they rather stay back home, safe in the warm?
Donald: It isn’t that. It is the voting form
Which is so complex and so full of clauses,
The very sight doth make them sick and nauseous.
Janet:First tick the man you want! Now tick the other box!
Now fill in page three! And tick your second choice!
Go back three spaces, now please start again!
I’ve seen nothing like it since I don’t know when...!
Enter King Tony, in disguise
King Tony: All hail, good party members, how d’you do?
Donald: Good day.
Janet: Good day.
Dougal: Good day, and who are you?
King Tony: I come from London, ganging my way up north,
To Edinburgh, on the bonny Firth of Forth.
Donald: That will explain your curious speaking style.
I’ve not heard speech like that for quite a while.
Janet: From London, eh? With nail bombs going off
No wonder you have fled up north to here
To get away from all that stuff down south.
King Tony: No, you are wrong...
Donald: ... and mad King Tony
Who condemns the bombers in Old Compton Street
And goes on bombing Slobodan himself!
Dougal: How can he justify this moral stance?
Janet: Come in, take off your coat and have a rest...
King Tony: Pulling disguise tighter round himself
No, no, perhaps I won’t. I think I will go on.
The rain is growing lighter. Here comes the sun.
Exit King Tony. Enter Dame Janet Street-Porter
Street-Porter: Oh, Gawd me blisters! I can’t carry on!
Excuse me - anyone here seen Elton John?
More of this soon, I hope.
The Independent Friday May 7 1999
