Ears
‘I’ll give you an example of decadence,’ said my father suddenly one day.
I was alarmed. I thought for a moment he meant he was going to drink himself silly or write bad poetry or run off with a woman of the night. But he did not mean that at all. He only meant he was going to embark on another of his theories.
‘Nowadays, the ear is used almost entirely as a place to hang decorations from,’ he said. ‘People pierce their ears and hang decorations from them, or put studs in them. Nobody ever did that in the old days except gipsies, pirates, and…and…
He searched around wildly for a third example to fill out his triptych.
‘Women?’ I said.
‘Yes’ he agreed reluctantly. ‘But, generally, in those days the ear was used as a useful place to store things. Carpenters kept their pencils behind their ears. Workers put spare cigarettes behind their ears. Golfers put tees behind their ears. I knew a man once who kept a toothpick behind his ear. When did you last see someone keep something behind his ear?’
He looked at me challengingly.
‘What do you use to help you read?’ I said.
‘Reading glasses,’ he said.
‘And where do you keep those?’
‘In my pocket.’
‘Where do you keep them when you are reading?’
‘On my nose.’
‘And where are they supported from?’
‘Oh stop being such a clever dick!’ Said my fathering the tone he sometimes used when he felt instinctively in the right and didn’t want to argue. Spectacles are not kept behind the ear! They merely lean on the ear a little. And in any case spectacles will be replaced one day by everyone wearing contacts lenses and ears will have no further use at all. That, I submit, is a good example of modern decadence; turning a thoroughly useful appendage in to a mere display unit.
I said nothing. He was absolutely right. But I would sometimes rather say nothing than agree with him.
‘I used to know a man who kept a pet mouse behind his ear,’ said my father. ‘Yes, a small, white, pet mouse. He usually wore a hat so nobody noticed.’
‘How stupid,’ I said.You might think so,’ said my father, ‘but he didn't think so, for the very good reason that it saved his life. It became a vital piece of evidence in his murder trial. I’ll tell you about it one day.’
But he never did.
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